I'm finally taking the plunge and starting a blog. I've been writing in journals since I was a little girl, however not faithfully, so this may be a once in a while thing! I'll start a few months back...my husband Brad and I got married in March on a beautiful sunny day. It wasn't the wedding of my childhood dreams, because it was missing my parents (Mom died of cancer in 2004 and Dad died of a heart attack in 2007). But, it was our wedding, and I'm happy with the way it turned out. One week prior to our wedding though, was one of the hardest days of my life. It was the day of my D&C to take the remains of our baby who had died out of me.
It started back in November when we decided to start "not trying" for a baby. I was so happy/excited/scared when we found out in January we were going to be parents! Brad was just as excited, maybe more. Being from a big family and seeing my siblings have kids has always made me excited for the day when I would get to be a mommy. Brad wanted to tell the whole world right away. Me on the other hand, was so freaked out. It happened so quickly and I was terrified that something bad would happen. We compromised, and he told his brother that night. I didn't realize how hard it would be to keep such a secret in, and we had soon told all of our family and close friends. I was only a little over 4 wks when we found out. I made the doctor's appointment, and was disappointed to find out that they usually schedule the first prenatal visit at 9-10 wks. The weeks went by with me as a nervous wreck. I have a sister that had a miscarriage, a brother and sister in law that have gone through multiple miscarriages and a few others too, so my pessimistic side worried it would happen to us. However, I had morning, noon, and night sickness (I would like to have a word with whoever coined the term "morning" sickness--morning my ass!) was bloated, exhausted and moody so I figured that all meant I'd be fine.
The day for our first appt on 3/4/08 finally came. I was so nervous waiting to go into the dr's office, and Brad kept telling me to relax and saying everything was going to be fine. The first visit is with the nurse practioner, and she was so kind. She first did an external ultrasound, and when there was just black on the screen, I knew immediately something was wrong. My heart started to beat fast, I had seen enough 10 wk ultrasounds to know something was not right. She said it was ok, sometimes dates are off and that they can't always see it externally, so she did the internal ultrasound next. Nothing. I was in shock, how could this happen? I didn't have any bleeding or cramping, nothing telling me something was wrong. I sat there in my own fog while the nurse started telling us she wasn't an expert at ultrasound technology and wanted us to go to the hospital to confirm. I spaced everything she was saying out and then the tears came. It was just not fair.
The rest of the night was a blur. We went and had the ultrasound at the hospital and waited for the dr to call. She confirmed it was what they call a missed miscarriage, or in medical terms a missed abortion (what a crappy medical term for something that was not my choice!) She gave me 3 options: I could wait to miscarry naturally, take some meds to induce the bleeding (which doesn't always work and sometimes ends up in a d&c anyway), or have a D&C. After much thought, I decided on the D&C. With our wedding just a week away, I wanted it to be over, even if going into surgery scared the crap out of us. One of the dr's ended up fitting me in on 3/6 for the surgery after she found out our wedding was coming up. The surgery was supposed to be quick and easy, in and out. I should know better, with my luck! After the first D&C, with me still a bit out of it from the drugs the dr came to talk to us. The tissue they had taken from me wasn't the fetal tissue, so I needed to have it done again! They said I had a tipped uterus so when the dr thought she had reached the correct spot, she hadn't after all. This 2nd time she'd go in with a scope in order to see (why they don't do this the first time I have NO idea). So after an 8 hr ordeal at the hospital, we got to go home. The days/weeks after are a blur for me...I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was so sad, and just when I thought I didn't have any tears left I would start again. Pregnant women and babies were everywhere and seemed to come out of the woodwork. Our wedding was a nice distraction, and our honeymoon after a nice break. But for me, everything was tinged with a bit of sadness and that sucks. I'd lost both my parents, why did I have to lose our baby too?
Fast forward to now, almost July. My body is still a bit screwed up from everything. Having a baby is something that you just expect will happen when you want it to, and it's a hard lesson to learn that you are not in control. And I could've saved a LOT of money on birth control now that I think about it!
People with well meaning suggestions, or what they think are well meaning, drive me crazy. Unless you've experienced a miscarriage, the only words you can really say are I'm sorry. Saying it was God's plan, or something was wrong with the baby--you don't want a retarded baby do you (yes, someone said this to me!), it wasn't the right time for you, just chill and be patient and it'll happen are so insensitive! Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I got so many of these comments and others I had to bite my tongue a lot. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better, just like when my parents died. It's one of those things in life that just sucks and you figure out how to make it through. But, we are continuing our journey to become parents, and hopefully it happens soon!
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